Airplane funnies.

[Buleste]

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers of Quantas lack a sense of humour. Here are some logged maintenance complaints by Quantas pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. Problem stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and Solution stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.

Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Dead bugs on wind shield.

Solution: Live bugs on backorder.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.

Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.

Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Solution: That's what they're there for.

Problem: IFF inoperative.

Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Suspected crack in windscreen.

Solution: Suspect you're right.

Problem: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)

Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.

Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Problem: Radar hums.

Solution: Reprogrammed radar with words.

Problem: Mouse in cockpit.

Solution: Cat installed

[Demon Cleaner]

Ha, that's too funny

[Buleste]

This is a true story out today.

A pilot with more than 30 years experience has been forced to turn his plane around - because he was not qualified to land in fog. Skip related content

Passengers on the 8.45am Flybe flight to Paris were just minutes away from landing at their destination when they were told they would have to go all the way back to Cardiff.

One passenger from Bristol missed a job interview in France because of the incident.

Cassandra Grant explained: "Twenty minutes outside Paris, the captain said, 'Unfortunately I'm not qualified to land the plane in Paris.

"'They are asking for a level two qualification and I only have a level five. We'll have to fly back.'"

A spokeswoman for the airline said Flybe backed the pilot's decision "100 per cent".

He had recently switched from flying a Bombardier Q300 to a Bombardier Q400 and has not completed the "requisite low-visibility training," she said.

The dense fog covering Charles de Gaulle airport had not been there when the flight took off, she added.

The plane was already three hours late due to bad weather in Wales.

The pilot's situation is "quite unusual but probably not unheard of," according to the Civil Aviation Authority.

[Buleste]

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration. The FAA examiner arrived for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and put his flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

“What's that for?” asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, “I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, “but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one. Against two bombs, the odds are a million million to one. Next time you fly, take a bomb and cut the odds. — Benny Hill

[Buleste]

Things You Don't Want to Hear on an Airplane

1. On an ocean crossing flight: “This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices...”

2. “Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.”

3. “Our sudden loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your flight a sight seeing expedition.”

4. “Goose! Bogey at 2 O'clock ... He's hot on our tail! ... Eject! Eject!”

5. As the plane turns around right after takeoff: “... uhhhhh ... We have to go back. ... We... We... uhhhhhh ...forgot something...”

6. “Ummmmmm ... Sorry everybody ...” (silence)

7. “To the passengers on the right-hand side of the plane, I'm sure you've noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.”

8. “Fasten your seat belts!” (Spoken in the same tone your friend with suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in a car.)

9. “This is your Captain speaking, these damn planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to... so please give me some leeway if this flight doesn't go to well.”

10. “It would be a good idea right now if everyone would close their shades and watch the in-flight movie.”

11. “We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Damn!”

12. “Aww, I can't figure out how to turn this thing off and don't worry, that gauge is always on 'E'.”

13. “Stewardess would you please bring four parachutes to the front cabin.”

14. From the stewardess after placing a drink order: “Okay, this man wants a soda and we need three martinis for the cockpit.”

15. “Hey, why don't you tell that new stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane.”

16. Thank you very much for choosing Mandarin Airlines. We're now about taking off at Hong Kong Chek Lap Kok. At your right side you can see the beautiful ocean. In front you can watch the in-flight movie. At your left side... um... please don't look at your left!