I had a conversation tonight with someone who will soon join Funcom to work on an expansion pack for Age of Conan, someone I consider a friend and with which I once wanted to work on a Fallout game.
A long time ago I told him I really wanted to become a game designer and have an impact on the market, create games that truly mattered and moved people, perhaps for the money and the fame, but mostly because I love good games and good stories and wish to share these with others.
They say it is human nature to give.
But my friend has made me realise the harshness that is the game business, it is not so much the art as making money, of course I knew that it sells more to make games for the mainstream class than complex or story deep games that not everyone grasps, but I always lived with the idea that there would be a way in between.
But I understand what he is saying; and that is the thing I hate the most.
The simple truth is, to get somewhere in the game business one must have ambition, skills, determination, that is the way to get in, and with hard work and some luck, one day you might reach a position in which you are able to fulfil some of your dreams.
I have the ambition, I have the desire, but I do not know if I have the skills, and quite frankly I don’t know if I have what it takes.
All I have is doubt and that has been with me for a long time.
In a way I just realised the great joke that was going on, and that I am the butt of it, being naïve and hopeful enough that I might be able to realise a dream I had since my teens; to make games I wanted to make.
Well world, I hope you have a good laugh.
I hate you, for all the nasty things you have done to me in the past and what you continuing to do to this present day,
I hate you and if I could I would destroy you, to make you feel pain and sorrow, to make you burn and everyone on it.