The Random Joke Thread

Welcome to the Random Joke Thread. The thread where you can post a random joke.

Here's the first one:

Is Windows a Virus

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

I typed random joke in google, it took me to a page and the first joke I came across was:

"Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible."

"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."

The day the P*nis Asked for a raise

I, the P*nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labour.
* I work at great depths.
* I plunge head first into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
* I work in a damp environment.
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
* I work in high temperatures.
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight.
* You fall asleep after brief work periods.
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
* You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
* You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
* You will retire well before you are 65.
* You are unable to work double shifts.
* You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

The search for intelligent life

Captain Kirk and an away team, searching for intelligent life on other planets, traveled down to Earth after going through a time disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle of Clinton's inaugural ball.

After looking around, Kirk says: "Beam us up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down on this one."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Buleste

The day the P*nis Asked for a raise

I, the P*nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labour.
* I work at great depths.
* I plunge head first into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
* I work in a damp environment.
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
* I work in high temperatures.
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight.
* You fall asleep after brief work periods.
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
* You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
* You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
* You will retire well before you are 65.
* You are unable to work double shifts.
* You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

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HAHA! That is classic!

Vista + 512mb = Hilarity!!!!

I think that's called insanity?

Not if you're the spectator watching it!

:D lol now I see your point....I also inspected your sig, interesting messages you have there...

Hey, do you want to hear my construction joke?
I'll tell you later. I'm still working on it.

How do you define an optimist?

An investment banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.

* * *

What's the difference between investment bankers and London pigeons?

The pigeons are still capable of making deposits on a new BMWs.

* * *

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?

A large pizza can still feed a family of four.

Ephram Zimbalist Jnr says to his dad, Ephram Zimbalist Snr: "Dad, ain't you got no imagination?"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by v85rawdeal

Ephram Zimbalist Jnr says to his dad, Ephram Zimbalist Snr: "Dad, ain't you got no imagination?"

---

He was the spokesperson for the Shadows you know (and not the British guitar based band before you say anything).

Ed Begley Jnr says to his dad, Ed Begley Snr: "Dad, ain't you got no imagination?"

Heard the one about the cannibal that was late for supper? He got "cold feet".

You know that look that women get when they want sex? No, me neither...

.. Not exactly a joke, but...

Owner of Perfect House Lives in Car

September 18, 2002 - Baltimore, USA

In fear of possibly disturbing the perfection that is his house, Donald Manison has been forced to live in his 1998 Dodge Caravan. I became obsessive, everything in the house was so photo-perfect that I was eventually scared of walking on the carpet in fear that I might disturb the direction of the carpet threads. Magazines wanting a glimpse and photos of the perfect house were limited to viewing through opened ground floor windows. When asked how long he will continue his present lifestyle he replied, If living in my mini-van is payment for a perfect house, I'm willing to pay.

When in doubt, ignore it.